Brilliant piece! Yes, homemaking is an actual skill set, and one I did not value until I felt its lack. I wish I had read this twenty years ago. I LOVED being a nanny the summer before getting married and having kids and was sure it was the exact same skill set for motherhood. Some aspects were the same, but nannying in the summer in between Masters classes did not feel the same as mothering. There was no hand-off at the end of the day, no one telling me what a good job I was doing, and no breaks (which I didn't even know how to articulate I needed). I remember feeling growing uneasiness and even jealousy when my husband got to go back to work and I realized, "This is it. It is just the baby and me." I felt like I was facing a very long and dark tunnel that lasted approximately two decades. I couldn't even voice it because it felt like betrayal to not be blissfully happy. I loved our baby so much. I WANTED to be home with him, so I muscled through. I gradually learned to make more than hotdogs, jello, and mac and cheese. My husband kindly said he would do his own laundry (after the usual fiascos of shrunk sweaters and red garments staining everything pink). Our oldest is seventeen, and I can laugh about it now, but that transition was hard. Your insights in this piece are profound. How do we prepare the next generation? I will be thinking about your essay.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment, Abigail, and for sharing your experience! You've articulated what I think many young mothers feel: "I felt like I was facing a very long and dark tunnel that lasted approximately two decades. I couldn't even voice it because it felt like betrayal to not be blissfully happy." I'm sure the young women (and young men) in your circles could benefit just from hearing what a challenging transition it was for you! I think there are very few who are willing to talk about it and the more we can normalize these conversations, the better.
I keep thinking about your essay! Wow, it brought up so many memories. I love being in my forties amd raising teens, and I wish I could go tell my twenty-five year old self how much she would love the journey. We moved across the country a few times, and I think rebuilding your support system without family is just tricky. Thank you for this thoughtful essay! It is so well done, and it really struck a chord.
I found this piece deeply validating. I have reached a lot of your same conclusions myself, but through a fog of self-doubt and household chaos. It is encouraging to hear it all articulated by a stranger on the internet! Thank you!
This is so lovely to hear, as someone who's been living it for nine years of motherhood, gradually reducing my employment over time. I've never classified myself as elite, but I do remember that I felt disappointment when I 'only' graduated magna cum laude. Welp. That's not exactly a helpful perspective to carry in life! I am thankful that my professional life did give me a certain grit in the domestic life; it toughened me psychologically, improved my time management skills, gave me a long-term perspective, that I believe has helped me be more resilient in the small catastrophes.
But, the longer I am away from that career entirely (two years now), I've noticed a greater tendency to be overwhelmed by the domestic life.
This was great timing for me, I'm so glad you shared it! I'm writing on homeschool life and its challenges and this is all very relevant.
Thank you, Leah! Most of the “elite” women I know wouldn’t classify themselves as such! :) It’s not my favourite word, but it’s a good shorthand for what I was trying to express- there are a lot of very competent magna cum laude types who find the transition challenging:)
I’m curious about how your professional work helped you to be more resilient in the small catastrophies, and how being home more has actually been a little more overwhelming than doing both? Did you find professional work to be a balance/ escape/ change of pace from domestic work?
Maybe it was my particular job. I worked inpatient oncology/hospice nursing, so home was a constant reminder of how blessed I was that nobody in my house was facing life-threatening or terminal disease, and messes aren’t a big deal when you’re just happy to be alive. The job is also, like mothering, a lot of caretaking, but with more thanks and external affirmation. Losing that was hard on my ego/self-evaluation. I also had more grace for myself when I was working if the home wasn’t as put together. Now I’m home full-time, and have more children, and I catch myself thinking I should be better at this since I’m not employed outside the home anymore. But it’s so much more than “hours spent at home” which affect your productivity, mental state, etc.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Leah! I think the “shoulds” are so interesting because, for example in your case, you found working outside the home a valid reason for a bit more grace, but more children and more work at home “shouldn’t” mean more grace (I guess for the implied reason that it’s not real work, or not really more work?) These societal expectations are really influential sometimes!
I agree! I think perhaps it’s not “much more work” compared to going from no kids to kids, which is a massive shift, and so you’re already in the “we have a lot of small people around” phase of life, but a lot depends on the kids in question and whether or not the eldest is massively helpful and the others are fairly independent etc etc. Sometimes, a lot is just a lot, and that’s ok!
You did a great job looping in so many things, especially Ivana and Lane's tangential thoughts.
I think the popularity of not only homemaker type influencers (lol) but also genuinely helpful, popular Youtube channels have exploded onto the scene with women learning all sorts of tips and sometimes the equivalent of whole courses in homemaking skills. Since we've lost much of these skills in the last couple generations, women are desperate for help. One way I've seen the internet be a genuine help for many women here, even if it'd be ideal for it to be real-life transmission of knowledge.
Thanks, Haley! I agree that the internet has been a real help for many people who would love to learn certain skill sets but have no way to do that in their own community. I guess the challenge is to keep it more of a sharing (“this is what worked for me in my particular circumstances”) rather than expert hurdles to clear (“you must do this in order to be successful”).
And writing this out is making me think about how homemaking really is a different sort of skill set and art, really, compared to many things. Maybe writing is a good parallel- there’s more than one way to write a good essay but we all know a good one when we read it. There’s more than one way to keep a relatively ordered and happy to domestic life, but we all know one when we see it. (This might need more thought!)
Brilliant piece! Yes, homemaking is an actual skill set, and one I did not value until I felt its lack. I wish I had read this twenty years ago. I LOVED being a nanny the summer before getting married and having kids and was sure it was the exact same skill set for motherhood. Some aspects were the same, but nannying in the summer in between Masters classes did not feel the same as mothering. There was no hand-off at the end of the day, no one telling me what a good job I was doing, and no breaks (which I didn't even know how to articulate I needed). I remember feeling growing uneasiness and even jealousy when my husband got to go back to work and I realized, "This is it. It is just the baby and me." I felt like I was facing a very long and dark tunnel that lasted approximately two decades. I couldn't even voice it because it felt like betrayal to not be blissfully happy. I loved our baby so much. I WANTED to be home with him, so I muscled through. I gradually learned to make more than hotdogs, jello, and mac and cheese. My husband kindly said he would do his own laundry (after the usual fiascos of shrunk sweaters and red garments staining everything pink). Our oldest is seventeen, and I can laugh about it now, but that transition was hard. Your insights in this piece are profound. How do we prepare the next generation? I will be thinking about your essay.
Thank you for such a thoughtful comment, Abigail, and for sharing your experience! You've articulated what I think many young mothers feel: "I felt like I was facing a very long and dark tunnel that lasted approximately two decades. I couldn't even voice it because it felt like betrayal to not be blissfully happy." I'm sure the young women (and young men) in your circles could benefit just from hearing what a challenging transition it was for you! I think there are very few who are willing to talk about it and the more we can normalize these conversations, the better.
I keep thinking about your essay! Wow, it brought up so many memories. I love being in my forties amd raising teens, and I wish I could go tell my twenty-five year old self how much she would love the journey. We moved across the country a few times, and I think rebuilding your support system without family is just tricky. Thank you for this thoughtful essay! It is so well done, and it really struck a chord.
I found this piece deeply validating. I have reached a lot of your same conclusions myself, but through a fog of self-doubt and household chaos. It is encouraging to hear it all articulated by a stranger on the internet! Thank you!
I’m so glad, Ellen! You’re not alone. Thank you for taking time to comment!
This is a great piece! Sending to my all girl highschool’s principal.
Thank you! That means a lot. I hope some future housewives may feel slightly less shocked by the work entailed!
This is so lovely to hear, as someone who's been living it for nine years of motherhood, gradually reducing my employment over time. I've never classified myself as elite, but I do remember that I felt disappointment when I 'only' graduated magna cum laude. Welp. That's not exactly a helpful perspective to carry in life! I am thankful that my professional life did give me a certain grit in the domestic life; it toughened me psychologically, improved my time management skills, gave me a long-term perspective, that I believe has helped me be more resilient in the small catastrophes.
But, the longer I am away from that career entirely (two years now), I've noticed a greater tendency to be overwhelmed by the domestic life.
This was great timing for me, I'm so glad you shared it! I'm writing on homeschool life and its challenges and this is all very relevant.
Thank you, Leah! Most of the “elite” women I know wouldn’t classify themselves as such! :) It’s not my favourite word, but it’s a good shorthand for what I was trying to express- there are a lot of very competent magna cum laude types who find the transition challenging:)
I’m curious about how your professional work helped you to be more resilient in the small catastrophies, and how being home more has actually been a little more overwhelming than doing both? Did you find professional work to be a balance/ escape/ change of pace from domestic work?
Thanks, Kerri!
Maybe it was my particular job. I worked inpatient oncology/hospice nursing, so home was a constant reminder of how blessed I was that nobody in my house was facing life-threatening or terminal disease, and messes aren’t a big deal when you’re just happy to be alive. The job is also, like mothering, a lot of caretaking, but with more thanks and external affirmation. Losing that was hard on my ego/self-evaluation. I also had more grace for myself when I was working if the home wasn’t as put together. Now I’m home full-time, and have more children, and I catch myself thinking I should be better at this since I’m not employed outside the home anymore. But it’s so much more than “hours spent at home” which affect your productivity, mental state, etc.
Thanks for asking.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Leah! I think the “shoulds” are so interesting because, for example in your case, you found working outside the home a valid reason for a bit more grace, but more children and more work at home “shouldn’t” mean more grace (I guess for the implied reason that it’s not real work, or not really more work?) These societal expectations are really influential sometimes!
Yes, I’m not sure where I picked up on it except maybe that common idea, “once you have [two, or three] children, adding the next one is no problem!”
I have a feeling that has had a lot to do with it! That notion is only true in a narrow way.
I agree! I think perhaps it’s not “much more work” compared to going from no kids to kids, which is a massive shift, and so you’re already in the “we have a lot of small people around” phase of life, but a lot depends on the kids in question and whether or not the eldest is massively helpful and the others are fairly independent etc etc. Sometimes, a lot is just a lot, and that’s ok!
Something that’s nice to hear today, thank you for sharing your kindness and insight on here.
Fabulous piece, Kerri!
Thank you!
Great piece as ever, Kerri.
You did a great job looping in so many things, especially Ivana and Lane's tangential thoughts.
I think the popularity of not only homemaker type influencers (lol) but also genuinely helpful, popular Youtube channels have exploded onto the scene with women learning all sorts of tips and sometimes the equivalent of whole courses in homemaking skills. Since we've lost much of these skills in the last couple generations, women are desperate for help. One way I've seen the internet be a genuine help for many women here, even if it'd be ideal for it to be real-life transmission of knowledge.
Thanks, Haley! I agree that the internet has been a real help for many people who would love to learn certain skill sets but have no way to do that in their own community. I guess the challenge is to keep it more of a sharing (“this is what worked for me in my particular circumstances”) rather than expert hurdles to clear (“you must do this in order to be successful”).
And writing this out is making me think about how homemaking really is a different sort of skill set and art, really, compared to many things. Maybe writing is a good parallel- there’s more than one way to write a good essay but we all know a good one when we read it. There’s more than one way to keep a relatively ordered and happy to domestic life, but we all know one when we see it. (This might need more thought!)