Pairings #01 🍷🧀

Stereotypes, Archetypes, Housewifery & Motherhood (plus Bruschetta)

(Welcome to this new [experimental] series, where I share things that go well together - not only the traditional wine and cheese, but things I’ve read or heard or seen.)

1. “Maternal Instinct” - The Jen Fulwiler Show

In this episode of her podcast, [start at the 53 minute mark to get to the crux] Jen Fulwiler takes on what she call the stereotype of being ‘maternal’ in our society today. Before contraception was widely accepted in recent history, any woman who had sex was a potential mother, she argues, so there was no one-sized-fits-all maternal ‘type’ of woman. Since the widespread use of the contraceptive pill in the 1960s, becoming a mother is now seen as a ‘choice’, and 60 years later, we assume that for a woman to be ‘maternal’ she must be what Fulwiler dubs “Preschool Mom”. 

Preschool Mom likes crafts. She speaks softly. She plays Candyland for hours without getting bored. She delights in the early years of childhood. 

Unfortunately, says Fulwiler, women who feel that they don’t fit the stereotype of Preschool Mom, feel like they shouldn’t have kids. 

The standup comedian mother of six routinely shares her total inability to keep house and her disdain for crafts and Candyland. She’s on a mission to bring back a holistic view of motherhood that recognizes the many, many ways in which women can be good mothers. 

“One of the most important things that can happen in Western Civilization is that we develop new archetypes of what it means to be a good mother, because right now we are convincing a generation of young women that they are not candidates for motherhood,” she enthuses. 

Preschool Mom needs to stand alongside Decorator Mom who has color-coordinated throw pillows, Baker Mom whose house is a bit messy but produces works-of-art birthday cakes, Corporate Mom who fights for flex time at work to be home more, and, as Fulwiler brands herself, Stay At Home Matriarch Mom, whose networking skills on behalf of her family rival a Fortune 100 company’s marketing firm.

“All these different types of personalities can be moms, and it’s only in this post-contraception culture that we have lost that.”

What’s more, she adds, a culture of women leaning into their gifts and helping other women creates “Village Hustle” culture, where everyone is using their gifts for the common good. What does that look like in practice? Baker Mom making cakes for the Stay At Home Matriarch Mom’s kids, while the Matriarch finds an internship for Baker Mom’s college student: a win for everyone involved.

2. “The Job for Which All Others Exist” - Ivana Greco

Fulwiler’s thoughts are complimented by this excellent article from Ivana Greco on The Job for Which All Others Exist.

A lot of women who’ve chosen to spend time with their children wrestle with how to answer that pesky cocktail party question, “what do you do?” Do they sum up their days by saying, “I’m a stay at home mom”? 

Greco muses on her own struggle with that term: “First, we’re not actually home that much, but often rather at libraries, sports, friends’ houses, etc. Second, the kids occupy a lot of my attention, but I spend a significant amount of time on other matters.”

In other words, “Stay-At-Home-Mom” doesn’t do a great job capturing the essence of what her days are actually like, compared to say, someone whose days are filled with engineering work and could state simply, “I’m an engineer.”

How can we better capture the work of someone whose tasks range widely in scope and skill, but center around concern for home, family, and community? 

Like Fulwiler, Greco takes us back in history, to point out that the term “housewife” was never, prior to industrialization and the subsequent rise of feminism in America, seen as a derogatory term. In fact, throughout the Middle Ages and certainly into the time of the American founding, housewifery was something to be honored. Women in these roles provided financially for their families and shaped the economy and culture. They raised their children and created homes. They had a wide ranging-effect on society.

But now, writes Greco, “Stay-at-home mom is a term coined by a society that doesn’t truly value domestic work other than parenting (and doesn’t value parenting enough). Homemakers do much more than “stay home,” and much more than mother. They make a home, and we should all recognize there is little more important than that. Or, as C.S. Lewis famously told a homemaker, ‘your job is the one for which all others exist,’ as ‘[t]o be happy at home is the end of all human endeavour.’”

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3. Bruschetta

While you contemplate society’s relentless need to shoehorn women into one-dimensional roles, enjoy the glories of summer in sun-ripened tomato Bruschetta. 

As a child, I wouldn’t touch tomatoes. I’d watch my dad eat them at the beach like an apple, juice dripping on the sand as he’d bite right in, a saltshaker in one hand to make sure each taste was perfectly seasoned. I could never bring myself to like it. Then, I spent a semester abroad in Rome when I was at university, and my world was changed. There are no tomatoes in the world like Italian tomatoes. I would eat entire platefuls as a meal.

Recently my husband and I have gotten back into making bruschetta as a summertime treat. With a combined 6 years of living in Italy between us, we learned a thing or two about it; but we’re also not afraid to flaunt tradition a bit. What follows is the most recent iteration of a ‘recipe’. 

1. Chop up your glorious tomatoes that are warm from sitting in the sunshine into tiny pieces - about the size of your thumbnail. (I know! We all have different sized thumbnails. This is an art, not a science.) They can be any kind of tomato, but they need to actually taste good and not like a piece of damp tissue, sadly found in so many American grocery stores.

2. NEVER KEEP YOUR TOMATOES IN THE REFRIGERATOR. YOU WILL RUIN THEM. 

3. Dump them into a colander, sprinkle with salt, shake them around, and let them drain out as much liquid as possible.

4. Meanwhile, get some good, organic sourdough bread, the kind that’s crusty on the outside and soft on the inside. Slice it about the thickness of your first finger (See above: art, not science.)

5. Mix together some olive oil and garlic granules (not salt) in a small bowl and brush onto one side of the bread, which should then be popped under a broiler [UK= grill] for a few minutes. You’re going for lightly toasted, not browned.

6. Chop up a bit of fresh basil - I tend to overdo this and regret it. About 1 tablespoon for 2-3 medium sized tomatoes, or 2-3 hefty pinches.

7. In a small bowl, add the drained, salted, tomatoes, the basil, and a bit of olive oil. Now here’s where we flaunt tradition: mix them all together and add a dash of balsamic vinegar and a hefty few shakes of garlic granules. Mix again, taste, and add more of whatever you feel would improve it - salt, olive oil, garlic. (Again, art not science here. The only way to learn to cook is to actually just try and see what works.)

8. Top the toasted bread with the tomato mixture and enjoy many more portions than you think you will.