This is an outstanding article, Kerri. I read it just after reading another piece in which a woman treats her own body with profound anger, but an anger that sees the fault in the body itself, and sees no fruit coming forth from the womanly body's uniqueness. Your piece was so much more grounded in the dignity of personhood and the body.
Yessss! I think this is a very, very accurate analysis. I also appreciate how you advocate for men to be part of the solution - which is knowledge and appreciation!
Thank you! Someone else brought that up to me too- about including men in the picture. I honestly hadn’t thought about it consciously because I can’t imagine a solution that only involves half the population. :) I think there’s probably more to be said about it- theologically as well- but I’m still pondering.
I honestly had no idea about the pill having consequences until I encountered Mary Harrington over at The Reactionary Feminist. I grew up a Pentecostal home and eventually shifted into trad-Catholic thinking about marriage and family, so I've never been in relationships where the pill was a factor. The one time it came up was with a young woman who (when we were teenagers) told me she was on it because she had a medical condition that it helped regulate. Of course, I doubt highly that it comes up in most other relationships, either.
If you're referring to the last sentence, my guess is that it doesn't come up in conversation. I've never heard men IRL or online talk about it. Maybe it comes up in support groups for men who are married, if those exist, but in my experience guys rarely talk about their relationships.
That’s really interesting. And telling, that men wouldn’t discuss it. Sadly it’s not surprising as it’s often seen as the woman’s “job” or problem to deal with. Do the men talk about condoms or any form of contraceptives?
Not in my experience, but that's a very limited pool. Most of my male friendships are with older, married men, and when I talk about relationship issues with my 'peers', it's more about the frustrations of expectations -- of men being used for dinners and good times, but then cut loose when the women grow bored of them, that kind of thing. I have no idea what kind of sex & relationship talk comes up between 'normal' guys.
Great piece. So many important points raised; bravo.
I think shifting this starts with our daughters. It starts with young women, programming them from the get-go with truth: that their bodies are wondrous, that the work of home and children is sacred (but is also work), that they can do anything a man can do of course, but that they may not want to.
I see this shift happening! I think the tide is turning. And it’s about dang time.
Thanks, Amber! I totally agree that setting a standard for the younger generation is key. It's important to make sure that their expectations (around how society / culture treats their bodies and their desires to tend to the work of home & family) are high.
I write about these issues but usually don't get any reaction. Women are forced to unsex themselves and to act like the worst of men used to act, accepting casual promiscuous sex and denying of their real desires for love, marriage, and the bearing and nurturing of children. They are expected to use contraceptives that put their bodies into an unnatural state of fake pregnancy, and even though the most reliable contraceptives fail a predictable % of the time (according to Planned Parenthood's tables), for a woman to conceive is viewed as a failure or suspiciously as a plot on her part. If she does conceive a child, she is expected to deny her motherly instincts and pay someone to kill her baby when the baby should be safe and loved in her womb. I'm glad you were able to publish your fine piece at First Things. I was happy to see it but especially this parenthetical sentence: " (In truth, the gender roles of the 1950s were a historical anomaly tied to postwar economic prosperity.) " The Feminine Mystique was written as though the 1950s nuclear household was the norm with the husband going away to work and the woman left alone with children was the norm, with no extended family to share with. It was more of an anomaly!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Roseanne. It's hard to be a woman in this culture!
It's interesting to hear that you usually don't get any reaction to your writing about these issues. I am finding that when I write about things that cover personal ground, I tend to hear from people I know more, but tend to get fewer comments/ conversations online. I think these are often very volatile subjects and I imagine that many women want to process them with close friends rather than in front of strangers. (That's my working theory, anyway!)
I want to write more about how many Americans - now exacerbated by the tradwife phenomenon - treat the 1950s as "traditional" historically, and how it's a disservice to all of us to do so!
Come to think of it, I get personal replies from people, who tell me they had similar experiences and are grateful that I'm writing about them. I'll be glad to see what you write about the 1950s illusion. By the way, I know scores of tradwives who are part of the traditional Latin Mass community in SF Bay. The happiest person I know has eleven children and thirty grandchildren. She teaches in her home. She is cute and intellectually vibrant and friendly, married to a macho man and making a contented go of it for 40 years. She said that if her husband expected her to use contraception she would feel he was using her.
This is something that I feel maybe I didn't articulate clearly enough in the article. I, too, know many wives who share many (good) things in common with the #tradwife phenomenon. But as I understand it (imperfectly, I'm sure), the #tradwife trends on instagram and tiktok (that's why I'm using the hashtag, to try to delineate it from the wives in what are commonly known as traditional Catholic communities) are a bit different. It's not just the openness to life or the bread baking. It's also making what I would consider a false idol out of a very limited time period. By "false" I mean not only that this thing is not the gospel, but that it is based on a misunderstanding of history. It's as though they want to return to the 1950s because they think it was a high point for women - making claims like "our grandmothers were happier than we are" - but they fail to acknowledge the ways in which it wasn't a high point. In other words, their idolization (or fettishization?) of the time period fails to see it holistically. They seem to claim it was *only* good, and therefore should be normative in some way.
I'm all for women being home and having lots of children and schooling them at home if that's what God calls them to! I think many (not all, but many) women would be happier if they quit the rat race and let themselves enjoy domesticity. But I think the #tradwife phenomenon goes farther than that, and I do wish I had clarified that a bit more in the article. Thanks for giving me the occasion to do so here!
Oooo on that last part about the 1950's being "traditional" - I loved this from Mary Harrington for the Institute For Family Studies. It's about marriage, but also more than that.
"Under twenty-first-century conditions, the sharp split between “home” and “work” that drove the emergence of such roles is blurring again. And the blurring of that divide in turn opens up new possibilities, hinting at a way of viewing lifelong solidarity between the sexes that owes more to the 1450s than the 1950s."
"What if, instead of handing girls the Pill, we taught them how their bodies are designed to function? What if we taught them to recognize their own hormonal shifts and adjust their behavior accordingly?" -- Well, this would truly be putting science in the service of humanity! If this self-knowledge could be founded on a positive attitude, a sort of hospitality to oneself and a receptivity to the created order, in which we are "fearfully and wonderfully made," all the better.
Your whole article is very helpful in thinking about these things. I am very encouraged by people like you who are eloquently speaking out, and revealing how so many women have been robbed of the fullness of joy we might have in the gift of our womanhood.
I especially was grateful for your highlighting the dangers and "uncomfortable truths" of IVF. I know someone who recently lost IVF twins at 20 weeks, which has raised the issue afresh for me.
“a sort of hospitality to oneself and a receptivity to the created order” - what a beautiful way of putting it. Thanks for your kind words, Joanna! I think you’ve captured it well when you say that so many women have been robbed - I’m so tired of women being a kind of collateral damage in the name of certain ideologies.
IVF is such a hard thing because children are wonderful! But the method just isn’t. We know a grown woman with a family of her own who was an IVF/ sperm donor baby. She has tried to find her father, who doesn’t want to know anything about her, and I think she’s found some half-siblings online, but it’s such a cross for her. No one wants to talk about the suffering these children undergo.
There will be so much more to say as the years go on, for better and worse! I look forward to reading your stuff when the time is right. I imagine it might be a bit for you like it was for Dixie- lots of thinking in these years and then a waterfall of writing when the kids are a bit older.
This is an outstanding article, Kerri. I read it just after reading another piece in which a woman treats her own body with profound anger, but an anger that sees the fault in the body itself, and sees no fruit coming forth from the womanly body's uniqueness. Your piece was so much more grounded in the dignity of personhood and the body.
Yessss! I think this is a very, very accurate analysis. I also appreciate how you advocate for men to be part of the solution - which is knowledge and appreciation!
Thank you! Someone else brought that up to me too- about including men in the picture. I honestly hadn’t thought about it consciously because I can’t imagine a solution that only involves half the population. :) I think there’s probably more to be said about it- theologically as well- but I’m still pondering.
I honestly had no idea about the pill having consequences until I encountered Mary Harrington over at The Reactionary Feminist. I grew up a Pentecostal home and eventually shifted into trad-Catholic thinking about marriage and family, so I've never been in relationships where the pill was a factor. The one time it came up was with a young woman who (when we were teenagers) told me she was on it because she had a medical condition that it helped regulate. Of course, I doubt highly that it comes up in most other relationships, either.
Do you mean it doesn’t come up in conversation or it just isn’t a relevant factor?
If you're referring to the last sentence, my guess is that it doesn't come up in conversation. I've never heard men IRL or online talk about it. Maybe it comes up in support groups for men who are married, if those exist, but in my experience guys rarely talk about their relationships.
That’s really interesting. And telling, that men wouldn’t discuss it. Sadly it’s not surprising as it’s often seen as the woman’s “job” or problem to deal with. Do the men talk about condoms or any form of contraceptives?
Not in my experience, but that's a very limited pool. Most of my male friendships are with older, married men, and when I talk about relationship issues with my 'peers', it's more about the frustrations of expectations -- of men being used for dinners and good times, but then cut loose when the women grow bored of them, that kind of thing. I have no idea what kind of sex & relationship talk comes up between 'normal' guys.
Great piece. So many important points raised; bravo.
I think shifting this starts with our daughters. It starts with young women, programming them from the get-go with truth: that their bodies are wondrous, that the work of home and children is sacred (but is also work), that they can do anything a man can do of course, but that they may not want to.
I see this shift happening! I think the tide is turning. And it’s about dang time.
Thanks, Amber! I totally agree that setting a standard for the younger generation is key. It's important to make sure that their expectations (around how society / culture treats their bodies and their desires to tend to the work of home & family) are high.
Thank you! I feel like there is so much mis-directed anger out there- it’s really sad.
I write about these issues but usually don't get any reaction. Women are forced to unsex themselves and to act like the worst of men used to act, accepting casual promiscuous sex and denying of their real desires for love, marriage, and the bearing and nurturing of children. They are expected to use contraceptives that put their bodies into an unnatural state of fake pregnancy, and even though the most reliable contraceptives fail a predictable % of the time (according to Planned Parenthood's tables), for a woman to conceive is viewed as a failure or suspiciously as a plot on her part. If she does conceive a child, she is expected to deny her motherly instincts and pay someone to kill her baby when the baby should be safe and loved in her womb. I'm glad you were able to publish your fine piece at First Things. I was happy to see it but especially this parenthetical sentence: " (In truth, the gender roles of the 1950s were a historical anomaly tied to postwar economic prosperity.) " The Feminine Mystique was written as though the 1950s nuclear household was the norm with the husband going away to work and the woman left alone with children was the norm, with no extended family to share with. It was more of an anomaly!
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Roseanne. It's hard to be a woman in this culture!
It's interesting to hear that you usually don't get any reaction to your writing about these issues. I am finding that when I write about things that cover personal ground, I tend to hear from people I know more, but tend to get fewer comments/ conversations online. I think these are often very volatile subjects and I imagine that many women want to process them with close friends rather than in front of strangers. (That's my working theory, anyway!)
I want to write more about how many Americans - now exacerbated by the tradwife phenomenon - treat the 1950s as "traditional" historically, and how it's a disservice to all of us to do so!
Thanks for your encouraging words.
Come to think of it, I get personal replies from people, who tell me they had similar experiences and are grateful that I'm writing about them. I'll be glad to see what you write about the 1950s illusion. By the way, I know scores of tradwives who are part of the traditional Latin Mass community in SF Bay. The happiest person I know has eleven children and thirty grandchildren. She teaches in her home. She is cute and intellectually vibrant and friendly, married to a macho man and making a contented go of it for 40 years. She said that if her husband expected her to use contraception she would feel he was using her.
This is something that I feel maybe I didn't articulate clearly enough in the article. I, too, know many wives who share many (good) things in common with the #tradwife phenomenon. But as I understand it (imperfectly, I'm sure), the #tradwife trends on instagram and tiktok (that's why I'm using the hashtag, to try to delineate it from the wives in what are commonly known as traditional Catholic communities) are a bit different. It's not just the openness to life or the bread baking. It's also making what I would consider a false idol out of a very limited time period. By "false" I mean not only that this thing is not the gospel, but that it is based on a misunderstanding of history. It's as though they want to return to the 1950s because they think it was a high point for women - making claims like "our grandmothers were happier than we are" - but they fail to acknowledge the ways in which it wasn't a high point. In other words, their idolization (or fettishization?) of the time period fails to see it holistically. They seem to claim it was *only* good, and therefore should be normative in some way.
I'm all for women being home and having lots of children and schooling them at home if that's what God calls them to! I think many (not all, but many) women would be happier if they quit the rat race and let themselves enjoy domesticity. But I think the #tradwife phenomenon goes farther than that, and I do wish I had clarified that a bit more in the article. Thanks for giving me the occasion to do so here!
Oooo on that last part about the 1950's being "traditional" - I loved this from Mary Harrington for the Institute For Family Studies. It's about marriage, but also more than that.
"Under twenty-first-century conditions, the sharp split between “home” and “work” that drove the emergence of such roles is blurring again. And the blurring of that divide in turn opens up new possibilities, hinting at a way of viewing lifelong solidarity between the sexes that owes more to the 1450s than the 1950s."
https://ifstudies.org/blog/is-there-hope-for-marriage
Ooh thanks for linking this! I didn’t know she had written on this.
"What if, instead of handing girls the Pill, we taught them how their bodies are designed to function? What if we taught them to recognize their own hormonal shifts and adjust their behavior accordingly?" -- Well, this would truly be putting science in the service of humanity! If this self-knowledge could be founded on a positive attitude, a sort of hospitality to oneself and a receptivity to the created order, in which we are "fearfully and wonderfully made," all the better.
Your whole article is very helpful in thinking about these things. I am very encouraged by people like you who are eloquently speaking out, and revealing how so many women have been robbed of the fullness of joy we might have in the gift of our womanhood.
I especially was grateful for your highlighting the dangers and "uncomfortable truths" of IVF. I know someone who recently lost IVF twins at 20 weeks, which has raised the issue afresh for me.
“a sort of hospitality to oneself and a receptivity to the created order” - what a beautiful way of putting it. Thanks for your kind words, Joanna! I think you’ve captured it well when you say that so many women have been robbed - I’m so tired of women being a kind of collateral damage in the name of certain ideologies.
IVF is such a hard thing because children are wonderful! But the method just isn’t. We know a grown woman with a family of her own who was an IVF/ sperm donor baby. She has tried to find her father, who doesn’t want to know anything about her, and I think she’s found some half-siblings online, but it’s such a cross for her. No one wants to talk about the suffering these children undergo.
Kerri, this was an incredible piece. There's so many important layers that intertwine, and you wove them together perfectly.
Thank you! And thanks for being such a great resource! Some of the links to men’s stuff were ones I asked you for :)
:') I mean, this is the essay I wish I could have fleshed out (as it's stuff I often think about). So glad you did!
There will be so much more to say as the years go on, for better and worse! I look forward to reading your stuff when the time is right. I imagine it might be a bit for you like it was for Dixie- lots of thinking in these years and then a waterfall of writing when the kids are a bit older.