I am turning 40 next month, which I realize is not that old, but is a middle-mark, in any case. I have been finding in the past 3-4 years that I am really enjoying reaching an age at which one has had a significant amount of experience in many areas. My confidence has grown as well as my self-knowledge. I love developing both skill and experience and it is very satisfying to see that grow and see myself able to offer help to younger people rather than just peers.
Thanks for sharing! Turning 40 felt like a milestone for me in many ways, one of which was that I felt like I had reached a halfway(ish) point: I was no longer only looking forwards in life, but could kind of see in both directions, like at the top of a hill. It gave me confidence to think, wait, I actually do have some thoughts and experiences worth sharing.
It's freeing to know oneself better, isn't it? I'm reminded of how you shared that sometimes you'll buy a bar of chocolate for a younger mom in the store and tell her she's doing a good job - that seems like a gift of getting older and more experienced & confident. Definitely matriarchal in the best sense of the word.
Thank you, Kerri. Yes, you put it well -- I think that is how I feel about this milestone, too. It is the beginning of an opportunity to grow into that older woman role and try to provide help that wasn't always there when I was a young person. It's kind of exciting!
This was a great piece! I agree that making big life choices like marriage can be very freeing in the fact that it closes many doors. I guess it’s a refinement of choices.
People close to me often comment that I seem much happier since getting married, not in the sense that I’m brimming with joy and enthusiasm every day - I’m definitely not - but that I’m just more rooted and confident. Before I met my husband I did a lot of stuff that looked cool on paper but in reality I felt very unmoored and insecure about what I ought to do with my life. So whilst I still think that fundamentally the available choices reduce as we get older, that is often a good thing!
"Before I met my husband I did a lot of stuff that looked cool on paper but in reality I felt very unmoored and insecure about what I ought to do with my life." This tracks with my own experience and that of many women I know. Somehow, under the surface of all the culturally-applauded stuff (getting degrees, having successful careers, travelling widely, etc), there's this fundamental uncertainty about the trajectory of one's life. It's a real cross for those who carry it longer than they would wish.
HARD AGREE (or identify? lol) with the second paragraph. I moved and changed jobs and states more than I care to admit, before marrying my husband. (He often pokes fun of this weird time in my 20's). This can be hard to explain, because it comes off as "getting married totally completed and made me happy, everyone needs to follow suit." Like you said, this ain't it. And for many people it doesn't happen quickly, if at all.
But it can certainly be a grace to form us, especially with our particular spouses. And for me in my particularities, it's become a place to mature in that confident rootedness you describe.
Yes it can be really difficult to express the ways in which marriage really is life-changing, without making it sound like Disney or something equally saccharine and fake.
I feel like I landed in middle age and a good few years into it rather than transitioned into it. I am in a very real battle with my new limitations especially around sleep. In the mornings I swear I'll respect my new limitations, but young me at night says, 'you've still got it!' I hate that I think about niggles rather than presume they will go away. I love that vanity disappeared in a flash although this also leads to greater temptations to be slovenly. I am still genuinely shocked when I remember that Uni students are less than half my age!!!
Oh man... the sleep of middle age is not great sleep! Several years ago I began to accept that (a) I needed a lot more sleep than I thought and (b) it wouldn't be great quality sleep. I still find it really frustrating, but changing my expectations has helped. Maybe this should be a wider cultural conversation... "sleep after 35."
A few years ago there was a real shift in my experience with uni students - and I realized it happened when I was old enough to be their mom and not just an older sister anymore. They look so young to me now!
Love this. Not going to lie. I don’t like looking older. I like the way other people older than me look. But not me. Then I remember I didn’t like the way I looked at 16,25,40… 😊. At nearly 60 I feel freer than ever because I’ve accepted my vocation, I believe in eternity, and I can read what I want to read and to hell with the rest.
“Freer than ever”- I love hearing this! It’s so encouraging to have the witness of others who have lived a little more. I hope we can all offer this kind of encouragement to others who are younger. And oh man, I look back on 16 year old me and think, how could I possible have complained about anything?! And yet, like you, I did! “Youth is wasted on the young” and all that…
This was so FULL of great threads to follow. Will surely be revisiting this post.
Felt this in my bones:
"The consistency of one closed door has boosted my confidence in knocking on others."
Marriage has certainly been a helpful, anchoring, and closed door that has —in turn— given me more breathing space and confidence to look around at other doors within our life together.
And, while I'm not a mad genius or anything (ha!) I certainly identify more with the "late bloomers". I was always amazed (still am) at people who came out of high school, out of undergrad, even out of grad school on a seeming TRACK with a VISION and clear life TRAJECTORIES. And I was just kinda along for the ride, willing to try different things on. In many ways aging has me wishing I could do undergrad and my twenties all over again. But looked at another way..... those phases are still part of the whole experience of life, aging, and help make us who we are.
Thanks! It seemed to be a theme that just kept popping up over and over in so many places for me lately.
Yes- sometimes I talk with people who look at all the things they tried / quit in their twenties as a waste of time - but I actually think it can be seen as an excellent use of time if you're learning from it and willing to accept that there were seeds planted that may bloom later in life. There's a saint (I can't remember who) who said something like "with God, nothing is wasted" - I think it's a healthy approach to take. And the famous Chardin quote, "above all, trust in the slow work of God." [Maybe I should do another post of quotes, ha!]
I am turning 40 next month, which I realize is not that old, but is a middle-mark, in any case. I have been finding in the past 3-4 years that I am really enjoying reaching an age at which one has had a significant amount of experience in many areas. My confidence has grown as well as my self-knowledge. I love developing both skill and experience and it is very satisfying to see that grow and see myself able to offer help to younger people rather than just peers.
Thanks for sharing! Turning 40 felt like a milestone for me in many ways, one of which was that I felt like I had reached a halfway(ish) point: I was no longer only looking forwards in life, but could kind of see in both directions, like at the top of a hill. It gave me confidence to think, wait, I actually do have some thoughts and experiences worth sharing.
It's freeing to know oneself better, isn't it? I'm reminded of how you shared that sometimes you'll buy a bar of chocolate for a younger mom in the store and tell her she's doing a good job - that seems like a gift of getting older and more experienced & confident. Definitely matriarchal in the best sense of the word.
Thank you, Kerri. Yes, you put it well -- I think that is how I feel about this milestone, too. It is the beginning of an opportunity to grow into that older woman role and try to provide help that wasn't always there when I was a young person. It's kind of exciting!
This was a great piece! I agree that making big life choices like marriage can be very freeing in the fact that it closes many doors. I guess it’s a refinement of choices.
People close to me often comment that I seem much happier since getting married, not in the sense that I’m brimming with joy and enthusiasm every day - I’m definitely not - but that I’m just more rooted and confident. Before I met my husband I did a lot of stuff that looked cool on paper but in reality I felt very unmoored and insecure about what I ought to do with my life. So whilst I still think that fundamentally the available choices reduce as we get older, that is often a good thing!
Thanks, Gina!
"Before I met my husband I did a lot of stuff that looked cool on paper but in reality I felt very unmoored and insecure about what I ought to do with my life." This tracks with my own experience and that of many women I know. Somehow, under the surface of all the culturally-applauded stuff (getting degrees, having successful careers, travelling widely, etc), there's this fundamental uncertainty about the trajectory of one's life. It's a real cross for those who carry it longer than they would wish.
HARD AGREE (or identify? lol) with the second paragraph. I moved and changed jobs and states more than I care to admit, before marrying my husband. (He often pokes fun of this weird time in my 20's). This can be hard to explain, because it comes off as "getting married totally completed and made me happy, everyone needs to follow suit." Like you said, this ain't it. And for many people it doesn't happen quickly, if at all.
But it can certainly be a grace to form us, especially with our particular spouses. And for me in my particularities, it's become a place to mature in that confident rootedness you describe.
Yes it can be really difficult to express the ways in which marriage really is life-changing, without making it sound like Disney or something equally saccharine and fake.
I feel like I landed in middle age and a good few years into it rather than transitioned into it. I am in a very real battle with my new limitations especially around sleep. In the mornings I swear I'll respect my new limitations, but young me at night says, 'you've still got it!' I hate that I think about niggles rather than presume they will go away. I love that vanity disappeared in a flash although this also leads to greater temptations to be slovenly. I am still genuinely shocked when I remember that Uni students are less than half my age!!!
Oh man... the sleep of middle age is not great sleep! Several years ago I began to accept that (a) I needed a lot more sleep than I thought and (b) it wouldn't be great quality sleep. I still find it really frustrating, but changing my expectations has helped. Maybe this should be a wider cultural conversation... "sleep after 35."
A few years ago there was a real shift in my experience with uni students - and I realized it happened when I was old enough to be their mom and not just an older sister anymore. They look so young to me now!
Love this. Not going to lie. I don’t like looking older. I like the way other people older than me look. But not me. Then I remember I didn’t like the way I looked at 16,25,40… 😊. At nearly 60 I feel freer than ever because I’ve accepted my vocation, I believe in eternity, and I can read what I want to read and to hell with the rest.
“Freer than ever”- I love hearing this! It’s so encouraging to have the witness of others who have lived a little more. I hope we can all offer this kind of encouragement to others who are younger. And oh man, I look back on 16 year old me and think, how could I possible have complained about anything?! And yet, like you, I did! “Youth is wasted on the young” and all that…
This was so FULL of great threads to follow. Will surely be revisiting this post.
Felt this in my bones:
"The consistency of one closed door has boosted my confidence in knocking on others."
Marriage has certainly been a helpful, anchoring, and closed door that has —in turn— given me more breathing space and confidence to look around at other doors within our life together.
And, while I'm not a mad genius or anything (ha!) I certainly identify more with the "late bloomers". I was always amazed (still am) at people who came out of high school, out of undergrad, even out of grad school on a seeming TRACK with a VISION and clear life TRAJECTORIES. And I was just kinda along for the ride, willing to try different things on. In many ways aging has me wishing I could do undergrad and my twenties all over again. But looked at another way..... those phases are still part of the whole experience of life, aging, and help make us who we are.
Thanks! It seemed to be a theme that just kept popping up over and over in so many places for me lately.
Yes- sometimes I talk with people who look at all the things they tried / quit in their twenties as a waste of time - but I actually think it can be seen as an excellent use of time if you're learning from it and willing to accept that there were seeds planted that may bloom later in life. There's a saint (I can't remember who) who said something like "with God, nothing is wasted" - I think it's a healthy approach to take. And the famous Chardin quote, "above all, trust in the slow work of God." [Maybe I should do another post of quotes, ha!]