Can We Talk about the Mental Load?
My husband and I tend to host people in our home quite a bit, ranging from “please drop by for a cuppa” to “are you free on the 15th for dinner?” It’s something we feel called to, and it’s something we enjoy. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work.
The division of labour tends to fall along these lines: I handle the planning, shopping, and cooking; he cleans the house; and whoever is less tired or has more time does cleanup (usually the next day.1)
In general, this pattern works for us. But every once in a while, I have a lot of other things on my plate, or I’m feeling more tired than usual, and I start to get a bit overwhelmed, which can manifest in being snappy, anxious, or panic-y, or all three. (So much fun for him!)
When this happens, my husband will sometimes say: “why don’t we just order take-out?”
What he means is: “You don’t have to overstretch yourself. People are coming over to see us, not the food. Why not just make life easy on yourself so you can relax and enjoy the company?”
What I hear is: “Your contribution doesn’t matter and is easily replaced. All the hard work and thought you put into planning, shopping for, and cooking a delicious meal for our friends doesn’t matter. In fact, all the efforts you’ve ever put in don’t matter, because take-out is just as good, if not better.”
Needless to say, this has caused some, er, consternation in our marriage in the past. He doesn’t intend to belittle the mental and physical work I do - in fact, he appreciates it when I do it - but when it becomes a burden that makes me irritable or stressed, he thinks the sensible thing to do would be to let it go. In his mind, this is a case of the golden rule in action: do unto others as you would have them do unto you - if I offered to call a cleaner on a busy week, he wouldn’t even think to be offended.
This is because men and women are different, and he and I are different. We’re working out how to live a shared life, and we don’t always do it perfectly. But we do try to talk about it.2
I think sometimes conversations around “the mental load” tend to focus on the perceived unfairness of the fact that men and women are different, or they tend to cultivate a spirit of complaint. But I’m hoping we can start having a more fruitful conversation about the mental load in our own marriages, and maybe even in the culture - so I wrote an essay about it.
You can read it over here at Public Discourse: Let’s Talk about the Mental Load
Then come back and share your thoughts. Do you think the mental load is a real thing? How have you dealt with the division of labour in your own marriage, or how have you seen other couples deal with it well? Any tips to share?
If perchance you, like me, grew up in a home where it was unthinkable to leave the dishes until the next day, can I highly recommend it? It means that you’re more able to be present to and enjoy the people you’re with. And- at least in my case - it also means you’re more likely to have people over because you know you’ll be able to enjoy their company. (Of course if cleaning up the same day works for you, that’s great too. There’s no morally best way.)
I never write publicly about our marriage without discussing it with him first, just as I would expect the same from him.
Thanks, Jessica! I’m so glad you found it helpful, and grateful you took the time to comment!
It’s interesting that you raise the point of unseen burdens and sole praise. Something my husband (and many good husbands I know) will do is to say that his work accomplishments belong to us, although of course he has done a lot of the work, the time given is “our time” just as, for example, the monetary bonus or even salary is “ours”. I think it can help couples, even ones who have a division of labour, to think of everything in shared life as “ours”- ours is the problem of how to cut the grapes, even if she does it most of the time; ours is the benefits of a career accomplishment, even if he does most of it. Of course this can go overboard and every couple will have to figure out just how helpful such a mentality would be in their own marriage, but I share it as something that has served us well so far.
I honestly bristled a bit when I saw this because this is one of my least favorite topics hahaha. Maybe because we fall into the "traditional" (ugh, that word) division most of the time, and it works for us. I've gotten a good enough system at the moment that we're both grateful for: it's structured enough but leaves room to catch things as they come up. We both bring our strengths to the table to make our family work, and we've established that this serves our family best at the present moment.
But I love that you bring up the important points of knowing what's under the surface of the tension, having routine and frequent communication, and being honest and aware of differences in specific men and women (between you and your spouse!) These are all things I've come to realize are important, as well. Because our life is not someone else's life, and I've learned that if there's something we need to talk about in order to change, he is very receptive and eager to work together. We acknowledge the work each are contributing within our given limitations, and those things are valuable in different ways. But other couples might have different situations or priorities.
We've touched on the fact that as our family changes, or if I pursue something educationally or work wise, whatever the case may be... things might need to be re-evaluated. (Maybe that's why I feel weird about this general topic, because I'm not a "working for pay" mom and so things are "easier" and more clean cut for us.)
In the end, spouses can't read each other's minds, so keep the communication flowing. :)