I think sometimes conversations around “the mental load” tend to focus on the perceived unfairness of the fact that men and women are different, or they tend to cultivate a spirit of complaint. But I’m hoping we can start having a more fruitful conversation about the mental load in our own marriages, and maybe even in the culture - so I wrote an essay about it.
Thanks, Jessica! I’m so glad you found it helpful, and grateful you took the time to comment!
It’s interesting that you raise the point of unseen burdens and sole praise. Something my husband (and many good husbands I know) will do is to say that his work accomplishments belong to us, although of course he has done a lot of the work, the time given is “our time” just as, for example, the monetary bonus or even salary is “ours”. I think it can help couples, even ones who have a division of labour, to think of everything in shared life as “ours”- ours is the problem of how to cut the grapes, even if she does it most of the time; ours is the benefits of a career accomplishment, even if he does most of it. Of course this can go overboard and every couple will have to figure out just how helpful such a mentality would be in their own marriage, but I share it as something that has served us well so far.
I honestly bristled a bit when I saw this because this is one of my least favorite topics hahaha. Maybe because we fall into the "traditional" (ugh, that word) division most of the time, and it works for us. I've gotten a good enough system at the moment that we're both grateful for: it's structured enough but leaves room to catch things as they come up. We both bring our strengths to the table to make our family work, and we've established that this serves our family best at the present moment.
But I love that you bring up the important points of knowing what's under the surface of the tension, having routine and frequent communication, and being honest and aware of differences in specific men and women (between you and your spouse!) These are all things I've come to realize are important, as well. Because our life is not someone else's life, and I've learned that if there's something we need to talk about in order to change, he is very receptive and eager to work together. We acknowledge the work each are contributing within our given limitations, and those things are valuable in different ways. But other couples might have different situations or priorities.
We've touched on the fact that as our family changes, or if I pursue something educationally or work wise, whatever the case may be... things might need to be re-evaluated. (Maybe that's why I feel weird about this general topic, because I'm not a "working for pay" mom and so things are "easier" and more clean cut for us.)
In the end, spouses can't read each other's minds, so keep the communication flowing. :)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience, Haley! I'm so curious - is the instinct to bristle tied to feeling like this topic is just stupid, or unnecessary? Or like one of my friends, that it's just a whiny feminist thing? Or something else entirely?
I'm also curious, if you're willing to share: do you have a system for talking / reevaluating priorities, or does it come up organically? Some friends have told us how it benefits their families to have weekly meetings as a couple, and I think we're going to start. I'm interested to learn how other couples navigate these waters.
The whole paid aspect of work, or work that is focused outside the home (paid or unpaid) is such an interesting thing in our culture, where many of the lines are blurred. Your substack, for example, clearly entails a lot of work, even if you aren't earning a massive income from it (I hope you do someday!) - but it could also lead to paid work later, or form part of your portfolio for an application to a grad program, etc., which in turn would benefit your family in a different way. I would venture to guess it is part of your mental load, aka what's on your mind, what you're planning for throughout the week, even if it's an enjoyable part and not directly related to your domestic tasks? I raise this because I think a lot of the women who are trying to grapple with all of this in a charitable way may not have super clear lines about work/ hobbies/ paid/ unpaid labour. In many ways the blurring of lines is a privilege but also a challenge.
Thank you for writing about such a tricky topic like this! This is one of the most satisfying responses to the question of the mental load that I've ever read. I am a stay at home mom who has had (and will continue to have) many conversations with my husband on this subject, and while I do agree with your basic point that it is easier to differentiate between "work" and "domestic" mental burdens when only one spouse works outside the home, I don't agree with your friend who thinks that the entire topic stems from feminists who don't understand a traditional division of labor. For one, while she mentions that her husband bears his own work burden, I would assume that he also receives sole praise for his accomplishments at work and for the income he provides to the family. The domestic sphere doesn't offer similar benchmarks of success: no promotions or raises that the outside world praises. And many domestic accomplishments are generally attributed to the combined efforts of both partners - which indeed they are, but it is not always an even split. Because the domestic tasks are basic life necessities that everyone has to get done, there is rarely the same level of acknowledgment. Little mental burdens like remembering to cut the grapes properly are unseen, and sometimes even criticized (especially if you are the "anxious" mom trying to remind someone to avoid choking hazards and allergens). As you said though, the solution here isn't reducing the whole conflict into "men are lazy," it's an open conversation about appreciation, and both spouses doing their part to keep communicating as roles shift and responsibilities change.
I appreciate how you have framed thIS conversation, BEcause I do fINd that generally the conversation around mental load and INvisible labor comes from a FemINist orientation and lens (which I do not subscribe to). The undertones and overtones of the conversation deemINg Women as victims, INferior, and disemPowered. As you so Perfectly put it: “they tend to cultivate a spirit of complaint.” YOU POSE SO MANY GREAT QUESTIONS! “Or is a cultural perception of “unfairness” unduly influencing the ways we approach our marriages?”
IN my Truth system — yes!
As Men and Women, God made us EQUAL IN VALUE and different IN our roles and responsibilities as Caretakers of Creation. As Men and Women God made us complementary IN Nature and distINct IN our callINg (vocation) as Caretakers of Creation. WE are ESSENTIAL COLLABORATORS. When WE Know our BELoved identity as a Child of God, equality exists IN the very Nature of thINgs, as a byproduct of the Harmonic and synarchical structure of the culture itSelf, not as a prINciple to BE applied.
A Man’s role and responsibility has always BEen to protect and provide. TO HUNT. HarnessINg their physical prowess. ReachINg. CompetINg.
A Woman’s role and responsibility has always BEen to tend to and to care for Life. TO FORAGE. HarnessINg their Spiritual sophistication and simplicity. RootINg. CollaboratINg.
Just as a Plant Knows to turn towards the Sun for sustenance or a Bird INnerstands its migratory path, Humans have INborn INtelligence about their roles and responsibilities IN relationship to Life.
MAY WE DARE TO DELIGHT IN THESE DIFFERENCES AND DISTINCTIONS.
What immediately comes to me are the twIN pillars of Service and Devotion, which are represented by the Sisters Martha and Mary (as told IN The Book of Luke).
Martha BEINg practicality and HEAD. She carries the Fruits of ACTION. She IS All about performance and productivity.
Mary BEINg Spirituality and HEART. She carries the Fruits of the Spirit.
She IS All about Prayer and Presence.
Martha’s motivations are more extrINsic, while Mary’s motivations are more INtrINsic.
Culturally, Martha has BEen celebrated and glorified (BEcause She IS a DOER and an achiever), while Mary has BEen disabled, devalued and disHonored (BEcause She IS a BE-ER and BELIEVER).
I fINd when and if I AM BEarINg a heavy mental load, that it’s the result of my INner Martha overPowerINg and overshadowINg my INner Mary. When I BElieve the lie that my value and my virtue comes from my DOING not my BEINg. It’s an INdication that I need to fINd Harmony BEtween the two of them.
The mental load (INvisible labor) of BEINg (what I refer to as) a Home ECOnomist (managINg a Home) which IS often times referred to as “worry work” IS off-set when WE allow ourSelves to BE filled with God so that He can carry the WEight with us.
When God IS at the centre of our HeARTs and tHerefore Homes, our roles and responsibilities as Home ECOnomists are perceived and tHerefore experienced as a BlessINg, rather than a burden.
When WE INvest our full Faith IN God’s provision and Promise, WE transcend “worry” and also “work”.
Both Men and Women have their own version of INvisible labour and mental load that comes with the territory of their God-given roles and responsibilities. Neither BEINg heavier, more demandINg, more measurable and / or more significant than the other.
I once shared a sentiment I see echoed IN the comments regardINg praise. I used to struggle a lot with that … until I realized that my paIN was rooted IN my own (mis)perception and me INvestINg my Faith IN the lie (that I have Been told and taught) that BEINg a Home ECOnomist IS not valuable, virtuous and vital.
Now, through reINvestment of my Faith IN The Truth — I do not feel my Husband recieves sole praise, even though He solely provides for our Family fINancially. He openly communicates to everyOne how it’s only possible for Him to provide for our Family IN thIS Way — BEcause of my role as a Home ECOnomist. So He alWays acKnowledges and affirms the Ways IN which I enable Him to do so. Additionally, everytime a pay cheque comes IN, He says “look at how much WE made!!!!!” BEcause it was and IS fundamentally, a JOINT EFFORT and venture.
I have seen “quantifications” of the (monetary) “value” of BEINg a “SAHM”.
For example:
BEINg a MotHER IS equivalent to 2.5 full time jobs. Or, MotHERs INvest approximately 14 hours a day and 98 hours a WEek carINg for their Child / Children. Or, the salary a MotHER would earn if MotHERINg / MotHERhood was a “paid career” (“for the 18 or so jobs” She has) IS $185,000.
While I INnerstand how thIS can affirm a lot of Women IN the value they brINg … the Spiritual and SOCIAL functions of a MotHER transcend monetary value. It's a function that sustaINs the very fabric of our society, makINg it immeasurable and irreplaceable.
To assign a dollar amount to the value MotHERs offer their Family’s — and tHerefore the LivINg World IS impossible and unWise.
ThIS part resonated sooooooooooo much with me and Truthfully, it made me giggle BEcause I felt like I was readINg about my own Life and BEcause of how Perfectly it describes / depicts the old adage “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”:
““My husband and I tend to host people in our home quite a bit, ranging from “please drop by for a cuppa” to “are you free on the 15th for dinner?” It’s something we feel called to, and it’s something we enjoy. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work.
The division of labour tends to fall along these lines: I handle the planning, shopping, and cooking; he cleans the house; and whoever is less tired or has more time does cleanup (usually the next day.1)
In general, this pattern works for us. But every once in a while, I have a lot of other things on my plate, or I’m feeling more tired than usual, and I start to get a bit overwhelmed, which can manifest in being snappy, anxious, or panic-y, or all three. (So much fun for him!)
When this happens, my husband will sometimes say: “why don’t we just order take-out?”
What he means is: “You don’t have to overstretch yourself. People are coming over to see us, not the food. Why not just make life easy on yourself so you can relax and enjoy the company?”
What I hear is: “Your contribution doesn’t matter and is easily replaced. All the hard work and thought you put into planning, shopping for, and cooking a delicious meal for our friends doesn’t matter. In fact, all the efforts you’ve ever put in don’t matter, because take-out is just as good, if not better.””
My Husband (like yours) means the ABSOLUTE BEst when He suggests take-out INstead or to pick up food. His INtentions SO Pure and INnocent. The problem (and my paIN) has only ever lied IN what I MAKE IT MEAN about mySelf, and what I thINk other’s Will make it mean about me. Lazy. INadequate. INcompetent. UnINspired. INhospitable. INsignificant. Useless.
All of which are lies.
“How much of a woman’s desire to plan is tied up in a desire to control or to look good to others?”
I reckon … so much of it. SpeakINg from my own experience. ThIS circles back to the pieces I shared about Mary and Martha. Like many / most Women, I have made the mistake IN the past (and still do at times) of makINg Martha more worthy, valuable, Desirable and Lovable. The Woman who carries the Fruits of ACTION.
SomethINg I say often IS: my Husband would rather a PLEASANT WIFE, THAN A PERFECT HOME. That IS, He would rather me not force mySelf to keep the Home IN Perfect order at All times, to cook the most extravagant meals everyday and so on , if it comPromises my FemININe softness, tenderness, receptivity and EASE.
“Approaching conversations about the mental load with gratitude rather than resentment is the first step toward a more joyful home. Even if we want our spouse to take more responsibility, we can begin by thanking him for the things we see him do. We can discuss what’s going on beneath the surface when something feels amiss. And we can apologize for, and seek to change, our own selfishness, no matter how it manifests.”
Thank you, Anja! I like your picture of the inner Martha and Mary competing in us - will we surrender to rest and ease or will we insist on working ourselves to the bone to "prove" our self-worth? I imagine this is something all of us wrestle with in a fallen world. I'm grateful to now be able to imagine these sisters fighting when I find myself in the struggle :)
And YES to "pleasant wife"> "perfect home" every day of the week! Someday perhaps I will be virtuous enough and have enough energy to keep a nearly perfect home and maintain good cheer at the same time, but in the meantime, I'll choose a smile over vacuuming. I think my guests would rather a bit of dust than grumpiness!
I WholeHeARTedly agree that thIS IS somethINg All of us wrestle with IN a fallen world. I AM so glad that imagery feels Purposeful and useful for you Kerri!
Thanks, Jessica! I’m so glad you found it helpful, and grateful you took the time to comment!
It’s interesting that you raise the point of unseen burdens and sole praise. Something my husband (and many good husbands I know) will do is to say that his work accomplishments belong to us, although of course he has done a lot of the work, the time given is “our time” just as, for example, the monetary bonus or even salary is “ours”. I think it can help couples, even ones who have a division of labour, to think of everything in shared life as “ours”- ours is the problem of how to cut the grapes, even if she does it most of the time; ours is the benefits of a career accomplishment, even if he does most of it. Of course this can go overboard and every couple will have to figure out just how helpful such a mentality would be in their own marriage, but I share it as something that has served us well so far.
I honestly bristled a bit when I saw this because this is one of my least favorite topics hahaha. Maybe because we fall into the "traditional" (ugh, that word) division most of the time, and it works for us. I've gotten a good enough system at the moment that we're both grateful for: it's structured enough but leaves room to catch things as they come up. We both bring our strengths to the table to make our family work, and we've established that this serves our family best at the present moment.
But I love that you bring up the important points of knowing what's under the surface of the tension, having routine and frequent communication, and being honest and aware of differences in specific men and women (between you and your spouse!) These are all things I've come to realize are important, as well. Because our life is not someone else's life, and I've learned that if there's something we need to talk about in order to change, he is very receptive and eager to work together. We acknowledge the work each are contributing within our given limitations, and those things are valuable in different ways. But other couples might have different situations or priorities.
We've touched on the fact that as our family changes, or if I pursue something educationally or work wise, whatever the case may be... things might need to be re-evaluated. (Maybe that's why I feel weird about this general topic, because I'm not a "working for pay" mom and so things are "easier" and more clean cut for us.)
In the end, spouses can't read each other's minds, so keep the communication flowing. :)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience, Haley! I'm so curious - is the instinct to bristle tied to feeling like this topic is just stupid, or unnecessary? Or like one of my friends, that it's just a whiny feminist thing? Or something else entirely?
I'm also curious, if you're willing to share: do you have a system for talking / reevaluating priorities, or does it come up organically? Some friends have told us how it benefits their families to have weekly meetings as a couple, and I think we're going to start. I'm interested to learn how other couples navigate these waters.
The whole paid aspect of work, or work that is focused outside the home (paid or unpaid) is such an interesting thing in our culture, where many of the lines are blurred. Your substack, for example, clearly entails a lot of work, even if you aren't earning a massive income from it (I hope you do someday!) - but it could also lead to paid work later, or form part of your portfolio for an application to a grad program, etc., which in turn would benefit your family in a different way. I would venture to guess it is part of your mental load, aka what's on your mind, what you're planning for throughout the week, even if it's an enjoyable part and not directly related to your domestic tasks? I raise this because I think a lot of the women who are trying to grapple with all of this in a charitable way may not have super clear lines about work/ hobbies/ paid/ unpaid labour. In many ways the blurring of lines is a privilege but also a challenge.
Thank you for writing about such a tricky topic like this! This is one of the most satisfying responses to the question of the mental load that I've ever read. I am a stay at home mom who has had (and will continue to have) many conversations with my husband on this subject, and while I do agree with your basic point that it is easier to differentiate between "work" and "domestic" mental burdens when only one spouse works outside the home, I don't agree with your friend who thinks that the entire topic stems from feminists who don't understand a traditional division of labor. For one, while she mentions that her husband bears his own work burden, I would assume that he also receives sole praise for his accomplishments at work and for the income he provides to the family. The domestic sphere doesn't offer similar benchmarks of success: no promotions or raises that the outside world praises. And many domestic accomplishments are generally attributed to the combined efforts of both partners - which indeed they are, but it is not always an even split. Because the domestic tasks are basic life necessities that everyone has to get done, there is rarely the same level of acknowledgment. Little mental burdens like remembering to cut the grapes properly are unseen, and sometimes even criticized (especially if you are the "anxious" mom trying to remind someone to avoid choking hazards and allergens). As you said though, the solution here isn't reducing the whole conflict into "men are lazy," it's an open conversation about appreciation, and both spouses doing their part to keep communicating as roles shift and responsibilities change.
I appreciate how you have framed thIS conversation, BEcause I do fINd that generally the conversation around mental load and INvisible labor comes from a FemINist orientation and lens (which I do not subscribe to). The undertones and overtones of the conversation deemINg Women as victims, INferior, and disemPowered. As you so Perfectly put it: “they tend to cultivate a spirit of complaint.” YOU POSE SO MANY GREAT QUESTIONS! “Or is a cultural perception of “unfairness” unduly influencing the ways we approach our marriages?”
IN my Truth system — yes!
As Men and Women, God made us EQUAL IN VALUE and different IN our roles and responsibilities as Caretakers of Creation. As Men and Women God made us complementary IN Nature and distINct IN our callINg (vocation) as Caretakers of Creation. WE are ESSENTIAL COLLABORATORS. When WE Know our BELoved identity as a Child of God, equality exists IN the very Nature of thINgs, as a byproduct of the Harmonic and synarchical structure of the culture itSelf, not as a prINciple to BE applied.
A Man’s role and responsibility has always BEen to protect and provide. TO HUNT. HarnessINg their physical prowess. ReachINg. CompetINg.
A Woman’s role and responsibility has always BEen to tend to and to care for Life. TO FORAGE. HarnessINg their Spiritual sophistication and simplicity. RootINg. CollaboratINg.
Just as a Plant Knows to turn towards the Sun for sustenance or a Bird INnerstands its migratory path, Humans have INborn INtelligence about their roles and responsibilities IN relationship to Life.
MAY WE DARE TO DELIGHT IN THESE DIFFERENCES AND DISTINCTIONS.
What immediately comes to me are the twIN pillars of Service and Devotion, which are represented by the Sisters Martha and Mary (as told IN The Book of Luke).
Martha BEINg practicality and HEAD. She carries the Fruits of ACTION. She IS All about performance and productivity.
Mary BEINg Spirituality and HEART. She carries the Fruits of the Spirit.
She IS All about Prayer and Presence.
Martha’s motivations are more extrINsic, while Mary’s motivations are more INtrINsic.
Culturally, Martha has BEen celebrated and glorified (BEcause She IS a DOER and an achiever), while Mary has BEen disabled, devalued and disHonored (BEcause She IS a BE-ER and BELIEVER).
I fINd when and if I AM BEarINg a heavy mental load, that it’s the result of my INner Martha overPowerINg and overshadowINg my INner Mary. When I BElieve the lie that my value and my virtue comes from my DOING not my BEINg. It’s an INdication that I need to fINd Harmony BEtween the two of them.
The mental load (INvisible labor) of BEINg (what I refer to as) a Home ECOnomist (managINg a Home) which IS often times referred to as “worry work” IS off-set when WE allow ourSelves to BE filled with God so that He can carry the WEight with us.
When God IS at the centre of our HeARTs and tHerefore Homes, our roles and responsibilities as Home ECOnomists are perceived and tHerefore experienced as a BlessINg, rather than a burden.
When WE INvest our full Faith IN God’s provision and Promise, WE transcend “worry” and also “work”.
Both Men and Women have their own version of INvisible labour and mental load that comes with the territory of their God-given roles and responsibilities. Neither BEINg heavier, more demandINg, more measurable and / or more significant than the other.
I once shared a sentiment I see echoed IN the comments regardINg praise. I used to struggle a lot with that … until I realized that my paIN was rooted IN my own (mis)perception and me INvestINg my Faith IN the lie (that I have Been told and taught) that BEINg a Home ECOnomist IS not valuable, virtuous and vital.
Now, through reINvestment of my Faith IN The Truth — I do not feel my Husband recieves sole praise, even though He solely provides for our Family fINancially. He openly communicates to everyOne how it’s only possible for Him to provide for our Family IN thIS Way — BEcause of my role as a Home ECOnomist. So He alWays acKnowledges and affirms the Ways IN which I enable Him to do so. Additionally, everytime a pay cheque comes IN, He says “look at how much WE made!!!!!” BEcause it was and IS fundamentally, a JOINT EFFORT and venture.
I have seen “quantifications” of the (monetary) “value” of BEINg a “SAHM”.
For example:
BEINg a MotHER IS equivalent to 2.5 full time jobs. Or, MotHERs INvest approximately 14 hours a day and 98 hours a WEek carINg for their Child / Children. Or, the salary a MotHER would earn if MotHERINg / MotHERhood was a “paid career” (“for the 18 or so jobs” She has) IS $185,000.
While I INnerstand how thIS can affirm a lot of Women IN the value they brINg … the Spiritual and SOCIAL functions of a MotHER transcend monetary value. It's a function that sustaINs the very fabric of our society, makINg it immeasurable and irreplaceable.
To assign a dollar amount to the value MotHERs offer their Family’s — and tHerefore the LivINg World IS impossible and unWise.
ThIS part resonated sooooooooooo much with me and Truthfully, it made me giggle BEcause I felt like I was readINg about my own Life and BEcause of how Perfectly it describes / depicts the old adage “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”:
““My husband and I tend to host people in our home quite a bit, ranging from “please drop by for a cuppa” to “are you free on the 15th for dinner?” It’s something we feel called to, and it’s something we enjoy. But, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t take work.
The division of labour tends to fall along these lines: I handle the planning, shopping, and cooking; he cleans the house; and whoever is less tired or has more time does cleanup (usually the next day.1)
In general, this pattern works for us. But every once in a while, I have a lot of other things on my plate, or I’m feeling more tired than usual, and I start to get a bit overwhelmed, which can manifest in being snappy, anxious, or panic-y, or all three. (So much fun for him!)
When this happens, my husband will sometimes say: “why don’t we just order take-out?”
What he means is: “You don’t have to overstretch yourself. People are coming over to see us, not the food. Why not just make life easy on yourself so you can relax and enjoy the company?”
What I hear is: “Your contribution doesn’t matter and is easily replaced. All the hard work and thought you put into planning, shopping for, and cooking a delicious meal for our friends doesn’t matter. In fact, all the efforts you’ve ever put in don’t matter, because take-out is just as good, if not better.””
My Husband (like yours) means the ABSOLUTE BEst when He suggests take-out INstead or to pick up food. His INtentions SO Pure and INnocent. The problem (and my paIN) has only ever lied IN what I MAKE IT MEAN about mySelf, and what I thINk other’s Will make it mean about me. Lazy. INadequate. INcompetent. UnINspired. INhospitable. INsignificant. Useless.
All of which are lies.
“How much of a woman’s desire to plan is tied up in a desire to control or to look good to others?”
I reckon … so much of it. SpeakINg from my own experience. ThIS circles back to the pieces I shared about Mary and Martha. Like many / most Women, I have made the mistake IN the past (and still do at times) of makINg Martha more worthy, valuable, Desirable and Lovable. The Woman who carries the Fruits of ACTION.
SomethINg I say often IS: my Husband would rather a PLEASANT WIFE, THAN A PERFECT HOME. That IS, He would rather me not force mySelf to keep the Home IN Perfect order at All times, to cook the most extravagant meals everyday and so on , if it comPromises my FemININe softness, tenderness, receptivity and EASE.
“Approaching conversations about the mental load with gratitude rather than resentment is the first step toward a more joyful home. Even if we want our spouse to take more responsibility, we can begin by thanking him for the things we see him do. We can discuss what’s going on beneath the surface when something feels amiss. And we can apologize for, and seek to change, our own selfishness, no matter how it manifests.”
AMEN!
May God Prosper you and your Family, Kerri! 🤍
Thank you, Anja! I like your picture of the inner Martha and Mary competing in us - will we surrender to rest and ease or will we insist on working ourselves to the bone to "prove" our self-worth? I imagine this is something all of us wrestle with in a fallen world. I'm grateful to now be able to imagine these sisters fighting when I find myself in the struggle :)
And YES to "pleasant wife"> "perfect home" every day of the week! Someday perhaps I will be virtuous enough and have enough energy to keep a nearly perfect home and maintain good cheer at the same time, but in the meantime, I'll choose a smile over vacuuming. I think my guests would rather a bit of dust than grumpiness!
I WholeHeARTedly agree that thIS IS somethINg All of us wrestle with IN a fallen world. I AM so glad that imagery feels Purposeful and useful for you Kerri!
EVERYDAY OF THE WEEK, INDEED!