Christmas is Complicated
For a lot of people, Christmas is complicated. I don’t mean that the birth of Jesus is a complicated thing (although, let’s be honest, it is rather mind-boggling), but that in the heavily-secular-but-still-carrying-vestiges-of-Christendom culture that we live in, for many people, Christmas isn’t primarily about celebrating the birth of Jesus. Oh, sure, it’s about peace and goodwill and trees and carols and chocolates and gift-giving, but those things have no foundation whatsoever for many – I’d say most where I live in the UK.
For many people Christmas involves a celebration (again, not sure exactly of what) with family. And family? Well, that’s super complicated.
I wrote this piece a while back after I asked a friend (male, in his 20s) what he was doing for Christmas that year. It’s not just his story; it’s the compilation of many people’s experiences, including a few elements of my own.
One reader described feeling “emotional vertigo” and another, a pastor, told me that it would change his ministry. That meant the world to me because I think complicated families are a hidden wound that many (30-50%, minimum depending on the country) carry with them all the time, but one that Hollywood, popular sitcoms, and even the psychological and medical community are constantly saying doesn’t really exist. The kids are alright, they tell us.
Friends, the kids – many now adults – are not alright. Christmas is not a celebration for them; it’s a test of endurance. How long can we just pretend that everything is fine while we pass out presents and the twinkle lights sparkle on the tree? “Christmas is magic!” we’re told. As children, the movies taught us that angry people will suddenly be filled with a spirit of forgiveness and embrace while they belt out “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”; as adults we know that Christmas brings no magical relief from the constant weight of dysfunction – indeed, gathering ‘family’ around a table often brings out the worst in everyone.
At this point you may be thinking, “what a Debbie Downer!”1 I get it. If you love Holly-Jolly Christmastime, it’s hard to think about the many who don’t. But I share this because there’s a very high likelihood that someone in your circle – maybe even your own family – might experience Christmas like this. And maybe like the pastor who wrote to me, you’ll be inspired to change the way you reach out to them. After all, the birth of Jesus really did change the world (just not in a Jingle-Bells sort of way.)
You can read it over here at First Things:
Three Christmas Dinners
And then please come back and share your thoughts! Have you had, or do you know anyone with these experiences? What has been helpful for you and others in navigating the complications of Christmas?
This is so well written, and so painfully accurate. While not a child of divorce, my family history is exceptionally (except for actually I believe it's not very exceptional at all) complicated, and holidays are a huge source of grief. I cannot put on the holly jolly facade. The only reason that Christmas remains meaningful and hopeful is because I can lean into Advent, the true hope of Christ and the light breaking through the darkness. I feel more allergic to the falsified nostalgia every year.
I really want to share the name of a growing ministry that specifically focuses on adult children of divorced parents - it is called Life-Giving Wounds. I’ve found comfort and wisdom from their retreat, which was done with deep respect and love.