18 Comments

This is so well written, and so painfully accurate. While not a child of divorce, my family history is exceptionally (except for actually I believe it's not very exceptional at all) complicated, and holidays are a huge source of grief. I cannot put on the holly jolly facade. The only reason that Christmas remains meaningful and hopeful is because I can lean into Advent, the true hope of Christ and the light breaking through the darkness. I feel more allergic to the falsified nostalgia every year.

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"I feel more allergic to the falsified nostalgia every year." You've captured exactly how I feel! Leaning into the actual liturgy, instead of Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, makes such a difference.

{I know many are happy to do both and that's wonderful, but it's not me in this season of life.}

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"The only reason that Christmas remains meaningful and hopeful is because I can lean into Advent, the true hope of Christ and the light breaking through the darkness."

Yep. A couple times during some recent low moments, I told my husband "Christmas is the worst holiday. I really don't like it and can't wait for it to be over." (It's not *really* true but.... also, it is a little bit.)

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Changing the way we do Christmas has really helped me a lot- my husband and I both don’t have amazing Christmas memories so we just take it really really chill. A tree only if we want one. No presents. No fake nostalgia. No cooking unless we want to, otherwise it’s just chocolate and treats all day. Also decorating liturgically as we see fit that year (some years, the Jesse tree, other years greenery before midnight mass, other years just not much.) We have totally opted out of secular Christmas and for us it helps. I know it isn’t the way for everyone but I’ve been contemplating writing a bit about how letting go of everything that isn’t Jesus in his Church has been freeing.

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I completely understand this feeling. My husband has a lot of good Christmas memories, but they are much more centered around people, singing and food vs. materialistic things. It's been a years long process of me learning that what my kids most want is for me to be with them. It's hard, because I think that I try to compensate for my own feelings by making it perfect and that backfires. I have started asking what they care most about. The requests this year were to have Christmas cookies, go to Christmas eve at grandma and grandpa's and read the Christmas story. As the kids get older and we have more of our own traditions and family culture it gets a little more enjoyable but I'd be lying if I said I didn't' breathe a huge sigh of relief in January. I find that I am most thankful for the very ordinary and common moments because I am most able to be fully present for those. My nervous system still hasn't clued in to the concept of a safe holiday.

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“My nervous system hasn’t clued into the concept of a safe holiday.” -So well put. You are not alone in that!

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I really want to share the name of a growing ministry that specifically focuses on adult children of divorced parents - it is called Life-Giving Wounds. I’ve found comfort and wisdom from their retreat, which was done with deep respect and love.

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Thank you for sharing this, Joanna!

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I remember reading this when it first came out, and I'm so glad you've brought it to our attention again. If you don't mind, I'll plan to link to it in our upcoming Signs + Seasons issue, even though its not strictly liturgical -- it's so important that we acknowledge the pain and awkwardness that comes with the season and resist being overcome by it.

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Thanks Dixie! I would appreciate that. As you said, sometimes it's good to know how hard it is. I do think that families and communities who have a lot of love and joy to share can be places for healing (even if it's painful compared to 'home') for many - I hope it's an inspiration to the celebrators to invite those who are not so inclined. Your outdoor Lessons and Carols is a great example of something that could serve as a great welcome. It can be difficult for a family-less person to just show up, but if invited to join in, it can be a wonderful experience for everyone.

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The most beautiful part of your piece is the non-blood grandparents who are yet the most loving of them all, or at least loving in the most other-focused, caring way. There is hope!

Thank you -- I hope people will try our family/community Lessons & Carols!

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Wow Kerri - that article had me floored. I had absolutely no time for reading this morning, but this story drew me in completely. How painful, how broken, how sad - you captured the experience of a generation who cannot help and be confused extremely well. If our very identity is put in question because of confusing family dynamics, our sense of belonging has no place to go. I will be sure to save this piece for future reference. Thanks Kerri and Merry Christmas :)

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Thank you, Ruth! I think for many it would be a surprise to hear how sad it seems - for them it is just normal! And no wonder our world is so lost. Hopefully those who are living differently can be a place of refuge and example.

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Thanks!

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Excellent piece! Thanks to the Signs + Seasons for the intro to Kerri. @kerri Christopher I love the case study you give toward the end about the disappearance of moral knowledge. I’ll be following along for more of your thinking on this!

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One thing about doing genealogy is that you see that the past wasn’t always as great as we’d like to imagine. So many women died in childbirth, men died in war and childhood wreckage was everywhere. Having stepparents was fairly common even in colonial times. This is not me downplaying the suffering of today. Modernism has been a disaster, but we have to be honest, Christian churches continue to cave to the world leaving their sheep completely at sea.

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Yes, broken families go right back to even Jesus' geneaology! Living in a fallen world and dealing with suffering is difficult thing, period. I hope that as Christians we can be the light in this dark world, and allow the Lord to transform our suffering into something redemptive.

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Me too! My father was a policeman and helped so many people redeem themselves. He was a huge inspiration for me. He didn’t think he was much of a good Christian but he was to me 🩵

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